Only Fear

I've had some time away. First the construction ended, then the dancing. Now all that is left is the fear.

All of my hopes and dreams were in those things, and although I could have done more, tried harder and spun my wheels faster, nothing would have saved either business in the long run. Nothing should have saved them either. In four years of devouring business reading I never came across an author or speaker who said a perfect execution of a broken business model equals long painful failure.

I also did not read about the recovery process after the first shovel full of dirt hits the casket. I lost my identity, I lost the hope of recovering my money, the hope of building a future, the hope of resurrecting my image of myself.

Maybe these were all good things, maybe I won't have the courage to post this after I'm done, but right now it still hurts and I want it to be over. Right now I'm angry and sad. I thought I was just starting a business; that is what I was most wrong about.

I have heard it said that failure builds character.
That is a lie.

I have no more character now, in fact I'm sure I have less. I want to lay down for a few years and do nothing, I want to run away to another state, I want to change my phone number and delete my facebook account. Character may be best built directly after failure in the giant chasm that is left in your being, but it is not built in the failure. Character is built when character is built.

So what happens tomorrow? I'm not sure, but I'll be here. Let's discuss how to build character. How to let things die. How to generate motivation from dust. How to guide anger and resentment. How to care most about what is happening right now. But most of all, let us talk about how to take that giant, gaping, painful hole inside of us and fill it with character.